The Unspoken Truth

What you should probably know but I can’t say

I know you worry about me

you think I feel guilty

sometimes yes

but more than that I feel

paranoia that you will think it was my fault I know I could have been healthier

I don’t know that it would have made a difference

I feel as though

it was to be before I even was

WHY?!?!?!  

If it was written in stone there has to be a reason

WHAT IS IT!?!?!

I wish I knew

I wonder

was the sole reason to break me

to bend me

to mold me

to shape me

who am I to become

why have I been subjected to such torture 

can I have no pleasure

no peace

what must I Do to find peace?

 

 

(this started directed to my husband, it morphed into questions asked of God.  I was going to edit it but decided I liked the raw emotion. so here it is.)

Anniversary triggers.

I am thankful for the people in my life who realize and expect life to still be hard.  It’s frustrating to feel as though you are still drowning in grief and other’s just assume you have a kid so everything’s fine now right!? WRONG!!!!!!!!  Everything is not fine now.  I am still missing my son.  It’s the third birthday/anniversary soon.  i think I was expecting it to be easier this year.  Next thing I know every movie is suddenly coming out on that date.  The bread is expiring the same day my son expired.  How depressing is that.  I almost didn’t buy bread.  I ate a Popsicle for the first time since I was pregnant with my angel just this last week.  The triggers are out of control right now.  And true to me I am throwing myself into projects.  I have been letting my inner artist out.  I also picked 12lbs of blueberries today!  I am really starting to get used to this being connected with what you eat thing.

I want to go on walk about on the anniversary. I don’t think I will be able to get away with it though.  I married into a family that loves their traditions.  We will go to the place his ashes were spread.  My husband feels at home though.  But it feels too confined there.  I feel claustrophobic.  I don’t remember feeling that before.  I think it has just become to public of a place.  I want to find my own little place to grieve and spread some of his ashes.  It’s sooo frustrating to me that I have to consider other people’s grief.  I really just want to be selfish and say screw you all I’m going solo.  But in my heart I know that if I did that it would signify the end of my oneness with my husband.  So there is no use.  I must consider the feelings of others and grieve more publicly than I would like.  I wonder if others have had similar struggles.  

 

Hell Week.Warning.Death of humans and innocence but unfortunately not of child molester.

Automatically your mind goes to that one week.  You know the one.  It will be different for all of you.  Feel free to treat this like a free write and blog about your own hell week.  I have a lot happening in a few weeks and I have had anxiety about it for months.  It’s not really one week though.  It’s 9 days.  And it’s definitely not all bad.  I should call it the Heaven and Hell week.   

Day 1  It will be the third “birthday” of our beautiful angel baby.  I wish I could say it gets easier, it just gets different.  I’m working on an art piece for him.  I really hope it turns out.

Day 2 Recovery

Day 3 Gear up day.  I just can’t even imagine my to do list on this day.

Day 4 CELEBRATION!  My beautiful Rainbow baby will be turning 2!  At this point I have zero plans but know the family is expecting something.

Day 5 & 6 Pack and Clean and Pack and Clean and hopefully not freak out.

Day 7 Travel Coast to Coast.  I’m sure it will help me realize how vast our country is.  

Day 8 My birthday, my empty due date for my angel.  I will also be spending it with My family, a rare treat.

Day 9 Family reunion.  For the first time since my marriage I will be facing the person who made persistent unwelcomed sexual advances on me in my prepubescence.  I have seen him since it stopped.  I hear about him all the time.  Gotta love family. But this will be the first time since I have fully understood the damage he inflicted on my mind and soul.  I had it lucky.  Not like so many i know.  I was not raped.  Nothing actually went inside me or under my clothes.  That doesn’t mean the damage wasn’t done.  I think I am glad I didn’t fully understand at the time.  I knew I didn’t like it.  I knew it wasn’t okay.  But I didn’t know how to tell an adult what was happening.  I just stayed around the adults, was quick on my feet, and kicked and screamed till he stopped.  I am proud of little innocent me.  I grieve her loss.  

I’m soooo excited to see most of my family.  It would be a great trip and hopefully relief from the monotony of fighting to just maintain a normal existence.  But I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t know if he even understands what he did.  Maybe he doesn’t even remember.  I doubt that, I wish I didn’t have this giant secret from my family.  But I feel like it would cause way too much drama at this point.  Hurt feelings anger confusion.  What can I say? I like my secrets.  I have many.  But this will take a lot of strength and a lot of fakeness.  I hate the mask.  I have anxiety about the mask.  I only wear it a couple weeks a year at this point.  I’m starting to  not even remember what the mask looks like or feels like.  I think that is increasing the anxiety.  I feel as though people will see right through me at my despise for him.  And then, what, question me or judge me for being rude to him.  I just don’t know.  And what about pictures.  The people in my family want one of every possible combination you can think of.  sigh.  I probably should have written all these feeling months ago.  It might have helped.  We’ll see if it helps now.  

To those who read till the end.  You need a drink, so cheers! To one who may still be reading but can’t drink, here’s to raising our children  with words to say whats happening.

Free Write Friday

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I found a free write challenge here: http://kellieelmore.com/2013/12/27/fwf-free-write-friday-quote-prompt-3/

 

“The what-if and the should haves will eat you brain”  – John O’Callaghan

i lay with my eyes closed praying that its all a blur that none of it is true i can’t help but wonder what i could have done to prevent my heartbroken present the thoughts and fleeting wondering spin around in my head stealing my rest fogging up my memory how do i stop the what ifs how do i reconcile that i didn’t even if i should have my brain is starting to hurt 

Free Write

It has been way to long since I have been on here.  I stopped blogging during a dark period but I am trying to find joy and happiness in my days.  So I want to get blogging again. To do that I have decided to do a free write.  I can’t find a free write challenge, that is crazy.  I guess that means I have to initiate one.

In looking around I have realized that I started avoiding my word press blog because it always brings tears to my eyes.   This has been a platform for connecting with other mothers of grief and it has been awesome!  Grief is an extreme burden for anyone to carry.  Recently I have been stuffing and avoiding and distracting myself from it.  Focusing on my beautiful rainbow baby who is now a busy not so little toddler.  I am so grateful knowing I am not alone in this roller coaster of grief we have subjected to.  I am currently fighting for happiness in my life.  There will always be sadness in my heart but I have decided that doesn’t mean I can’t find happiness.  My rainbow baby brings me joy and for him I am very grateful.

Here is my free write challenge to you:

Write about something that always brings a tear to your eye.

The Fights

I am a woman who knows nothing about fighting. I watched a fight tonight I couldn’t even tell you the name of the fight. Just that it was US champion Mayweather versus Mexican champion Alvarez.
May I just say ladies this was a fight you would have enjoyed watching. Those were two extremely attractive men. Who knew a Mexican ginger would turn out so hot? Seriously!
I couldn’t tell you any specifics about rounds or punches. Just that Mayweather won and I was disappointed. Even if I knew about fighting I spent a large chunk of the night chasing my 1 year old around. Yes, I did that, I took my son to a party and stayed out late. It’s a good thing he’s so cute otherwise people would’ve probably been annoyed. It was so nice to do something adult! It’s been far too long!

Here’s to hoping my 1 year old doesn’t start punching people. And to doing more adult things in the future.